For My Lover, Returning to His Wife by Anne Sexton (AQA A-Level English Literature A): Revision Notes

For My Lover, Returning to His Wife by Anne Sexton

Overview

For My Lover, Returning to His Wife is a confessional poem by American poet Anne Sexton. The speaker is a mistress who reflects on her lover's relationship with his wife and ultimately gives him permission to return to his marriage. The poem explores themes of temporary versus permanent love, self-worth, and the complexities of extramarital affairs.

About Anne Sexton

Anne Sexton was an influential American confessional poet who wrote boldly about personal experiences and taboo subjects. Her poetry is known for its introspective nature and willingness to confront difficult emotional truths with unflinching honesty. This poem exemplifies her confessional style by addressing the controversial topic of adultery from the mistress's perspective.

Poem structure and form

The poem consists of 48 lines arranged in one continuous block of text without traditional stanzas. Sexton employs free verse, meaning the poem lacks a consistent rhyme scheme or metrical pattern. However, the poem is unified through the use of repetition and other structural devices.

The poem divides naturally into two loose sections. The first section focuses predominantly on describing the wife and her relationship with the lover. The second section shifts to explore how the situation affects the speaker herself and her decision to end the affair.

Key structural technique: anaphora

Anaphora is the repetition of a word or phrase at the beginning of successive lines. Sexton uses this technique prominently:

• The pronoun "She" is repeated in the first eight lines, emphasising the speaker's preoccupation with the wife
• The phrase "for the" appears seven times in lines 30-37, creating a rhythmic listing effect as the speaker grants permission for the lover to return

This repetition creates unity and emphasis despite the absence of rhyme or regular rhythm.

Summary

The poem presents a mistress's honest assessment of her lover's marriage and her own role in his life. The speaker begins by acknowledging the wife's permanence and perfection. She describes the wife as someone who was carefully crafted to fit the lover's life, possessing both excitement and stability.

The speaker then admits her own position is merely temporary - a fleeting luxury rather than a lasting presence. She catalogues the wife's domestic virtues and maternal devotion, painting a picture of an ideal partner and mother.

In a pivotal moment, the speaker declares "I give you back your heart." She recognises that she cannot compete with the solid, enduring presence of the wife. The poem concludes with the speaker describing herself as "watercolor" - something that will wash away easily, unlike the permanent reality of the wife.

Themes

Temporary versus permanent love

The central theme contrasts the temporary nature of the affair with the permanence of marriage. The speaker repeatedly emphasises that the wife "is all there" and has "always been there." This solidity is reinforced through metaphors:

• The wife is "as real as a cast-iron pot" (solid, practical, enduring)
• The speaker is "a watercolor" (temporary, easily washed away)

This contrast highlights the fundamental difference between the two relationships. The wife represents stability, history, and lasting commitment, whilst the speaker represents a fleeting indulgence.

Self-awareness and acceptance

The speaker demonstrates remarkable self-awareness about her position. She frankly admits, "Let's face it, I have been momentary." This honest acknowledgement shows her clear understanding that she occupies a temporary space in the lover's life.

Despite this awareness causing pain, the speaker accepts her role with dignity. Rather than competing or creating bitterness, she chooses to release her lover back to his rightful partner.

The ideal wife and mother

Much of the poem catalogues the wife's virtues, creating an image of domestic perfection. The wife:

• Maintains a beautiful home (wild flowers at breakfast)
• Cares for the children devotedly
• Possesses both excitement ("Fireworks in the dull middle of February") and practicality ("as real as a cast-iron pot")

The speaker seems almost in awe of these qualities, recognising them as genuine attributes rather than flaws to critique.

Detailed analysis

Lines 1-8: the wife's perfection

She is all there. She was melted carefully down for you and cast up from your childhood, cast up from your one hundred favorite aggies.

The poem opens with a simple but powerful statement. The phrase "all there" suggests the wife's complete presence in the lover's life - emotionally, physically, and spiritually. There is a wholeness and solidity to her that the speaker acknowledges she cannot match.

The metaphor of melting and casting compares the wife to precious metal that has been carefully shaped. The suggestion is that some higher power or fate created this woman specifically for the lover. She was formed from his childhood memories and favourite things, making her ideally suited to him.

She has always been there, my darling. She is, in fact, exquisite. Fireworks in the dull middle of February and as real as a cast-iron pot.

These lines present the wife as possessing seemingly contradictory qualities. She is both "exquisite" (beautiful, refined, exciting) and "as real as a cast-iron pot" (practical, solid, ordinary). The juxtaposition of "Fireworks in the dull middle of February" with everyday cookware suggests the wife manages to be both extraordinary and grounded.

The repetition of "there" emphasises permanence. The wife has always existed in the lover's life and will continue to do so.

Lines 9-15: the speaker's temporary role

Let's face it, I have been momentary. A luxury. A bright red sloop in the harbour.

Here the speaker turns to her own position with brutal honesty. The colloquial phrase "Let's face it" signals a frank admission of truth. She acknowledges she has been "momentary" - existing only briefly in the lover's life.

The metaphors she uses for herself emphasise this temporary quality:

• "A luxury" - something pleasant but unnecessary, easily dispensed with
• "A bright red sloop in the harbour" - eye-catching but impermanent, ready to sail away

My hair rising like smoke from the car window. Littleneck clams out of season.

These images reinforce the fleeting nature of their encounters. Hair rising like smoke is beautiful but disappears quickly. Littleneck clams out of season are a rare treat, not a staple food. All these metaphors emphasise that the speaker represents indulgence rather than sustenance.

The speaker is not bitter about this realisation. Instead, she presents these observations matter-of-factly, suggesting she has come to terms with her role.

has grown you your practical your tropical growth. This is not an experiment. She is all harmony.

Returning to the wife, the speaker acknowledges that the marriage has enabled the lover's growth and development. The phrase "practical your tropical growth" suggests the wife has nurtured both the ordinary and extraordinary aspects of his personality.

The statement "This is not an experiment" is significant. Unlike the affair, which represents a temporary deviation, the marriage is a serious, committed relationship. The wife creates "harmony" - balance and peace in the lover's life.

Lines 16-22: domestic and maternal perfection

She sees to oars and oarlocks for the dinghy, has placed wild flowers at the window at breakfast,

These lines catalogue specific examples of the wife's attentiveness. She handles practical matters (maintaining equipment for the boat) whilst also creating beauty (wild flowers at breakfast). This combination of practicality and aesthetic sensitivity makes her an ideal partner.

has made him a whole supper with her soul, with her heart full of hunger. She has given him more milk from her breasts than he could keep.

The wife's nurturing extends to emotional and physical care. She prepares meals with her whole being ("with her soul"). The reference to breastfeeding suggests maternal devotion and abundance - she gives more than is needed, demonstrating generous love.

She sees to the windows and the drawer full of bottoms and the potter's wheel at midday.

More domestic details accumulate, showing the wife's comprehensive care of the home and creative pursuits (the potter's wheel). Each image reinforces her multi-faceted perfection.

She has given you your practical your tropical growth. She has given you my little sleep.

These lines suggest the wife provides everything the lover needs. The phrase "your practical your tropical growth" (repeated from earlier) emphasises her role in his development. The curious phrase "She has given you my little sleep" might suggest she provides the rest and peace that the affair cannot offer.

She is in your arms and you are hers

The section concludes with imagery of physical intimacy and mutual possession. The relationship is reciprocal and binding.

If you look up, the children are there like delicate balloons resting on the ceiling.

This beautiful image presents the children as precious and somewhat ethereal, floating peacefully above the parents. The simile of balloons suggests they are fragile, light, and bring joy. Their presence "on the ceiling" as the parents look up from bed implies they exist in a protected space above the adult relationship.

Let us consider the body of the woman. She is very human, this one you've cast your eye upon.

The speaker shifts to a more analytical tone, inviting contemplation of the wife's physical presence. Despite all the elevated descriptions, she notes the wife is "very human" - real, fallible, mortal like everyone else.

She has been picked out, removed, shined on, and been left to find her own way.

These lines suggest the wife's individuality and strength. Though the lover chose her, she maintains her own identity and path.

Her face flushed with a song and their little sleep.

This tender image captures the wife's contentment as she cares for the children, singing to them and settling them to sleep. Her flushed face suggests warmth, vitality, and maternal devotion.

Lines 23-29: giving back the heart

I give you back your heart.

This short, powerful line marks the turning point of the poem. After cataloguing all the wife's virtues and acknowledging her own temporary status, the speaker makes a decisive gesture. She returns what the lover had given her (or what she had taken) - his heart, his emotional investment in the affair.

The brevity of this line gives it impact. It represents the speaker's acceptance and her gift to the lover - releasing him without bitterness or demands.

The speaker has recognised that the wife and lover are perfectly matched. She cannot compete with decades of shared history, children, and mutual devotion. Rather than attempting to maintain the affair or creating conflict, she chooses to step aside with grace.

Lines 30-42: granting permission

I give you permission – for the fuse inside her, throbbing

The speaker continues her gesture of release with a long list of permissions. The anaphoric repetition of "for the" creates a rhythmic, almost ceremonial quality to this section, as if the speaker is performing a ritual of letting go.

She grants permission for:

• The wife's inner passion ("the fuse inside her, throbbing")
• Physical intimacy
• Emotional connection
• Domestic routines

and tug at the orange ribbon in her hair and answer the call, the curious call.

These intimate details imagine future moments between the lover and his wife. The "orange ribbon" is a specific, tender detail that humanises the wife. The "curious call" suggests the mysterious, ongoing attraction between married partners.

By listing all these intimate details, the speaker demonstrates her deep understanding of the marriage she has been intruding upon. She recognises the "passion that exists between the two" - the depth of history, physical attraction, and emotional connection that bind the couple together.

The speaker notes there is a "deep history of love, hurt, fear, and lust to contend with." This acknowledgement shows her realistic understanding that marriage encompasses the full range of human emotion, not just romance.

Lines 43-48: the watercolour image

She is so naked and singular She is the sum of yourself and your dream.

The speaker returns to describing the wife in absolute terms. The wife is "naked and singular" - authentic, unique, essential. She represents the combination of who the lover truly is and who he aspires to be.

As for me, I am a watercolor. I wash off.

The poem concludes with this striking metaphor. In contrast to the wife's solidity (the cast-iron pot), the speaker sees herself as watercolour - beautiful perhaps, but temporary and easily removed. Water will wash her away, leaving no permanent mark.

The watercolour metaphor also suggests that whilst the speaker will disappear, the wife will remain - solid, practical, and enduring like that cast-iron pot. The speaker's influence was decorative and temporary; the wife's is foundational and permanent.

Language and techniques

Imagery and metaphor

Sexton employs contrasting imagery throughout the poem:

For the wife:

• "Cast-iron pot" (solid, practical, enduring)
• "Fireworks in the dull middle of February" (exciting, surprising)
• "Delicate balloons" (for the children, precious and protected)

For the speaker:

• "Watercolor" (temporary, washable)
• "A luxury" (unnecessary, dispensable)
• "A bright red sloop in the harbour" (mobile, temporary)
• "Smoke from the car window" (fleeting, insubstantial)
• "Littleneck clams out of season" (rare treat, not sustenance)

These contrasting images reinforce the fundamental difference between the two relationships.

Tone

The poem's tone is remarkably honest and unsentimental. Despite the painful subject matter, the speaker maintains a frank, almost conversational approach. Phrases like "Let's face it" create an atmosphere of candid admission rather than emotional pleading.

There is a tension between admiration and resignation in the speaker's voice. She genuinely appreciates the wife's qualities rather than dismissing or belittling her. This generosity of spirit makes the poem more complex and affecting than a simple expression of jealousy would be.

Repetition and rhythm

Though the poem lacks formal metre, Sexton creates rhythm through repetition:

• "She" (repeated in opening lines)
• "for the" (repeated seven times in lines 30-37)
• "I give you" (repeated as a gesture of release)

This repetition creates emphasis and unity, guiding the reader's attention to key themes.

Key quotations

Context for A-Level study

Confessional poetry

This poem exemplifies the confessional poetry movement of the mid-20th century. Confessional poets wrote frankly about personal experiences, psychological struggles, and subjects previously considered too private or taboo for poetry. Sexton, along with poets like Sylvia Plath and Robert Lowell, helped pioneer this style.

The poem's unflinching treatment of adultery from the mistress's perspective demonstrates Sexton's willingness to explore controversial subjects with honesty rather than moralising.

Exam tips

Comparing with other anthology poems

Consider connections to:

• Poems about the complexity of love and relationships
• Poems with distinctive dramatic voices
• Poems about self-awareness and acceptance
• Poems that challenge conventional morality

Remember!